WHO MAKES THE CUT? CRACKING THE WEDDING GUESTLIST
FEATURING
Yes, today we’re talking about the wedding guestlist. A part of planning that can seem very stressful but is incredibly important.
Our guide to the most common wedding guest dilemmas
Weddings, a day filled with joy, laughter and your favourite people.
But what about your “not so favourite” people?
Yes, today we’re talking about the wedding guestlist. A part of planning that can seem very stressful but is incredibly important. It can feel like a huge task, but don’t put it off. This is something that needs to be sorted out pretty early in the whole process.
Your guestlist plays an important role in setting your budget and choosing your venue. Don’t worry, you don’t need exact numbers just yet, but there is a big difference between a venue that holds twenty of your nearest and dearest or one that can cater to a huge celebration with 150+ people!
While a smaller wedding day can seem appealing – especially when it comes to keeping that guestlist limited to your absolute favourite folk – it can also provoke some awkward conversations and even confrontation. Not what anyone wants! So here’s our guide to the most common guestlist dilemmas and a few tips on how to solve them.
THE RETURN INVITATION …
Otherwise known as “they invited us to their wedding so we really do need to invite them to ours?”
No. No you don’t. It’s as simple as that.
Ok, we know saying “no” isn’t that simple at all really, but you honestly don’t have to invite people just because they extended an invitation to you. Every wedding is unique, and that goes for budgets and guestlists too.
This is your day and if the only reason someone has made your guestlist is out of obligation then it’s probably a good idea to cross their names off and reserve those spaces for people you really want to make the cut.
And if all that feels just unbearably awkward then you can always extend them an evening invite.
NO KIDS ALLOWED!
“We’ve been invited to a wedding but my precious little cherub has been excluded!”
A Mumsnet favourite! You know the drill. An enraged parent will post a rant, and people will flock to sympathise with them (or to empathise with the poor, nameless couple planning a wedding).
These kinds of posts can go viral, so we get why it’s daunting to opt for a child free wedding. But ask yourself why these posts pop up with such frequency, it’s because these requests are becoming more common which actually works in your favour. You’re not an outlier!
Whatever your reasons for planning a child free wedding day – cost / location / personal connections – it’s important to word the invites carefully. Just to stop any confrontations or bad feeling.
Make sure your are clear with your request, without being cold about it. It can be an emotive subject and could make it tricky for couples to attend your day. It’s worth having careful think about how your request comes across.
Make sure that your save the dates and / or invitations are addressed only to the adults. This is a good, early indicator of your preference. However, don’t rely on this! Some people will still think the invite extends to the entire clan so it’s a good idea to pop in an extra sentence making your plans clear.
Something like “to give all our guests the opportunity to relax and enjoy themselves, we have chosen to make our special day adults only” can work really well. You’ll find that your guests arrive in full on party mode!
Keep in mind that some people may be unable (or unwilling) to attend without children. Everyone’s situation – and childcare access – is different. Just don’t take it personally.
DO WE NEED AN “A” AND “B” LIST?
A and B lists are a great way of prioritising your guests when the venue / your budget doesn’t allow you to invite every single person you’d like.
The A team are those people you cannot imagine getting married without them there. Your besties, closest family etc.
The B list are people you would love to celebrate with but realistically money and space may not allow it.
When you pull your guestlist together remember “life, uh, gets in the way” (forgive us for adapting the legend that is Jeff Goldblum’s words) and some of your A listers may not be able to attend. Which sucks, but such is the nature of commitments and life. For bigger weddings – we’re talking 180+ people – there might be around 20% who can’t make it. For smaller days of 50 guests or less the declines are much lower.
This is when your B list comes into play. You can adjust your guestlist as needed and bump up your pals if there’s space. Some people don’t feel comfortable doing this and that’s absolutely fine. Whatever works for you.
DO WE NEED TO INVITE WORK COLLEAGUES AND OUR BOSSES?
Let’s work on the assumption that any work colleagues who have crossed the line into genuine friendship are already on your guestlist.
So what about the rest? Think about your relationship with them. Would you happily socialise out of work or do you only tend to see them for a quick gossip as you make a brew?
If you’ve got the space then extending an evening invitation to those colleagues who you really do get on with can inject a nice dose of additional energy to the party. Don’t cave to pressure though. Just because they’ve been nosying at wedmin spreadsheets over your shoulder doesn’t mean they’re entitled to an invite!
OUR PARENTS WANT TO INVITE THEIR PALS. HELP!
This is a tricky, and all too common dilemma. Simply put, it comes down to family dynamics – which we know can sometimes be delicate at the best of times – and the good old budget again.
Way back when, parents would often contribute a hefty sum towards the wedding day. So it became almost customary to allow them to invite some of their friends and family along too.
Nowadays, families come in all shapes and sizes and the couple getting married are generally the ones paying the majority of costs. Much less straightforward when it comes to guestlists and parent preferences.
Of course you want your parents to be happy and able to enjoy the wedding day. If a few close friends or extended family members will help with this then it might be worth adding them to the list if space allows. However if that’s not possible, or you just don’t want to invite people you hardly know then that’s fair too.
It’s a good idea to make sure that the list of ‘parent invites’ is fairly proportioned. It’s a bit off if one set of parents invites their entire group of pals while another set only has one or two spaces allocated to them.
The key, as with most things, is to be open and discuss your thoughts with your parents. It’s your day so you get final say. Especially if those extra invite requests will push you over your allocation, add too much to your budget or mean you have to cut some of your nearest and dearest from the list. In that case it could be easier to just say no and explain why. We know we keep banging on about it, but it’s your day!
WHEN IT COMES TO BUDGETS, SHOULD WE PRIORITISE THE DAY OF OUR DREAMS, OR HAVING MORE PEOPLE ALONG TO CELEBRATE WITH US?
This is so individual to you as a couple. What’s most important to you?
In years to come, when you look back at your wedding day, we can guarantee you’ll remember the way your partner looked, the sheer joy of your first dance, the tears during speeches and the laughter you shared with your closest friends and family.
These moments are the memories that will come to mean the most. And it’s all about quality, not quantity. If you want a huge wedding with hundreds of people then that’s absolutely fine, but ask yourself why? Are you inviting people to avoid potential conflict or just because it’s easier all round?
Your wedding day is the start of an incredible adventure together. You’re about to cement your status as the ultimate team and take on the world together. Don’t start that exciting time off with a load of debt or financial worries for the sake of numbers.
